Domestic Violence

If you or someone you know is being abused and you would like more information, help, or just someone to talk to:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

-Pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting you.
-Punching holes in walls or objects IS a form of threat and manipulation.
-Threatening you, your children, other family members or pets.
-Threatening suicide to get you to do something
-Using or threatening to use a weapon against you (This includes his fists, hands, feet, head, or legs).
-Keeping or taking your paycheck.
-Demeans or puts you down or tries to make you feel bad about yourself, your thoughts or actions, or the way you look.
-Forcing or manipulating you into have sex or to performing sexual acts you do not want or like.
-Monitoring telephone usage.
-Isolating you; keeping you or trying to keep you from seeing or talking to your friends, family or from going to work.
Remember threatened or actual physical violence does NOT have to be tolerated and may be considered illegal."

From the National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/million-voices-campaign/member-area/know-the-signs/

“Know the Signs: Guide for Friends & Family

Your support and encouragement can be of tremendous value to a friend or coworker involved in an abusive relationship. You can ease the isolation and loss of control your friend may feel by listening, providing information, and helping to explore options.

Here are some possible signs that your friend or coworker is being abused and needs your help:

Does your friend have visible injuries, such as black eyes, bruises or broken bones?
Do you tend not to press further about frequent “accidents” that cause absences from work?
Does your friend’s partner exert an unusual amount of control over their activities?
Are you reluctant to discuss the partner’s control over family finances, the way she dresses, and their contact with friends and family?
If your friend’s partner ridicules her publicly, do you and others ignore this behavior?
Do you already sense the volatile nature of these comments?

Have you noticed changes in your friend’s or the children’s behavior?
Do they appear frightened, exhausted, or on edge?
Do the children seem to be easily upset?
Are they experiencing problems in school or other activities?”

MAKE NO MISTAKE!
Domestic violence ABSOLUTELY AFFECTS YOUR CHILD.
If you are being abused, you are teaching your child that it is okay to mistreat others, especially you. You are teaching your male children it is okay to harm, threaten, frighten, beat, and abuse females. YOU are teaching your female children that THEY DESERVE TO BE ABUSED simply because she is a FEMALE!

THIS is how abuse is cycled and perpetuated. You MUST understand, for the sake of your children that if you are permitting a man to abuse you in front of your children, YOU are every bit as guilty as he is for teaching your children the cycle of abuse.

If there are children involved and you suspect child abuse, contact:
National Child Abuse Hotline1-800-4-A-CHILD
Realize this, as well.
If he's hitting you, he WILL hit and abuse your children. If you have already observed him abusing your children, what he does in front of you is NOTHING compared to what he says and does behind your back.

REMEMBER:
Even if you are a trained counselor, you cannot "save" another person from an abusive relationship. But you can be a friend while your friend works through the lessons that need to be learned.

For more information, suggestions, or someone to talk to, contact:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY 1-800-787-3224
"WHAT CAN I DO IF I KNOW SOMEONE BEING ABUSED?

BE SUPPORTIVE. You do not need to support the abuse, to support the person you care about.

LISTEN. Sometimes, just getting an abused individual to speak about anything private is impossible. She/he will tend to "protect" their situation. It isn't that they don't KNOW the abuse is going on. Of course they know. It's that she/he is in a very precarious and difficult reality. For an abused person to try to come to terms with being abused, they need to alter their reality to try to force it all to be "ok". And he or she will try to justify aspects of the relationship, in ways that may not make any sense to you.
So, if you actually get your family member to start talking... try not to interrupt. The more they speak, the more they get the truth and facts through their wall of fabrication.

DO NOT JUDGE.
Understand that your friend or family member does not see or recognize the situation from your perspective. Being judged will keep an abused individual closed up. It is not easy, but you must respect his/her choices. Unless you have been there, you can't understand her/his reasons for staying put. Take care not to use guilt in your discussions.
TELL HIM/HER:
The abuse is NOT their fault.
You understand that they are not safe.
You see what's happening and you want to help
When he/she needs you, you will be there.
Violence is not ok and he/she deserves better. (Sometimes people truly do not get that they are worthy of being loved.)

ENCOURAGEMENT IS IMPORTANT.
Try to get him or her to get involved in activities outside of the relationship. Remember, abusers will attempt to isolate their victim. Get in touch with a local Domestic Violence group. They will have a great deal of information and optional ideas for your friend/family member. They are trained to know how to speak to victim’s abuse."

"JUST IN CASE"
Help her/him develop an escape plan.
A “safety bag” should be prepared with extra vehicle keys, money, emergency contacts (i.e.: Violence hotline number, doctor/hospital/medical information for self & children, recent photos of her/him and what ever children may be involved. Extra clothing and medication should also be packed. I would include a little tool known as a seatbelt cutter/window breaker (something all people should have in their cars), in the even that there must be a quick escape.

If he or she does leave, it won’t be easy. Just be there with support, encouragement, strength, and unconditional love. Go with her/him when they deal with the issues at Family Court, the Police Department, Lawyer, etc... This is an extremely emotional situation for your friend/family member. Voicing your feelings and experiences when you have been the victim of abuse is almost impossible. Many Domestic Violence organizations will supply an advocate.

One of the first things that may be suggested, is obtaining an “Order of Protection.”
This is the Court’s way of creating a foundation for your case and guidelines for the abuser to follow. It seems daunting, but with assistance provided through a domestic violence advocate, it will not be as difficult as feared. When you apply for an Order of Protection, bring with you any police reports you may have.

Here is an outline of what the procedures are for obtaining an Order of Protection.

"The Weaker Vessel is proud to have singer/songwriter J-Harris aka Joey Fleming be our new supporter and spokesperson and to also have his new single "I'll Make It Up to You" as our theme song to convey our message on our website."

The Weaker Vessel is the creation of Myra Spearman. With her organization, Myra offers information and tools that empower women. NO WOMAN needs to put up with, nor is deserving of ANY form of abuse. NO MAN has the right to threaten, harrass, slap, hit, punch, kick, spit on, or even create any form of fear to any woman. "The purpose and records contained herein are not meant to slander but are derived from actual court documents. The sole intent of this web-site is to contribute to the Prevention of Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse of Women and Children Worldwide. All documents are a matter of Public Record." The Weaker Vessel

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"NOW and Violence Against Women
NOW is unique in its approach to the issue of violence against women, emphasizing that there are many interrelated aspects to the issue -- domestic violence; sexual assault; sexual harassment; violence at abortion clinics; hate crimes across lines of gender, sexuality and race; the gender bias in our judicial system that further victimizes survivors of violence; and the violence of poverty emphasized by the radical right's attacks on poor women and children -- all of which result from society's attitudes toward women and efforts to "keep women in their place."

National Organization for Women

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/